RALF LITTLE
A MAN walks into a butcher's and sees that the guy behind the counter is only 4ft tall.
He says: "You're a bit small, aren't you mate? Tell you what, I bet you £500 you can't reach the meat on that top shelf."
The little guy looks up and says: "I'm not taking you up on that - the steaks are too high."
RICHARD WHITELEY
THREE Dales farmers in a pub at the end of a long day are supping their pints, puffing their pipes and sitting there in silence. From the other end of the village the lowing of a herd of cows can be heard.
"Those will be old Ned Thacker's cows," says one farmer, before they lapse into silence again.
Eventually the second farmer says: "Nay, they aren't Ned's cows they be old Joe Wainwright's cows."
Silence reigns again for an age before finally the third farmer drains his pint, slams the glass on the table and says: "Well I'm going home. I ain't come here for a ruddy argument!"
LORRAINE KELLY
TWO pieces of string walk into a bar, go up to the barman and ask for two pints of lager. The barman says: "Sorry but we don't serve string in here, you'll have to leave."
They go outside and one of the pieces of string then ruffles up his hair a bit and ties himself in a double bow and goes back in.
He walks up and asks for a pint of lager. The barman begins to pour it but then says: "Hey, wait a minute, aren't you the string I threw out before?"
The piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot."
COMEDIAN JENNY ECLAIR
A MAN goes to the doctor and is told there's good news and bad news. The doctor says: "The bad news is you're going to die."
The patient asks for the good news and the doctor looks over his shoulder and says: "See that nurse over there? I'm sleeping with her."
JADE GOODY
WHAT do you do if a bird s***s on your car?
Don't ask her out again.
MEL C
WHAT'S the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
DJ STEVE WRIGHT
TEACHER: "You should have been here at 9am."
Pupil: "Why, what happened?"
AND here are some more of the nation's favourite funnies...
TWO hungry goats were walking around Hollywood when one of them found a discarded reel of film and gobbled it up.
The other goat asked: "What was it like?" To which his mate replied: "Not bad. Not as good as the book, though."
AN ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
THERE was an inflatable pupil who went to an inflatable school staffed with inflatable teachers.
One day he brought a pin into school with him. Hours later he was called in to see the headmaster who told him: "You've let me down, you've let the school down but worst of all, you've let yourself down."
HOW many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
GOD is chatting to his friend and says: "I've just created both light and dark and I've put them in an alternating pattern over 24 hours."
"What are you going to do now?" asks his pal.
"Call it a day."
A MAN goes to see a psychiatrist wearing nothing but clingfilm.
The psychiatrist says: "I can clearly see your nuts."
A HAMBURGER goes into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman replies: "We don't serve food in here."
Marti Pellow
A MAN walks into a dentists and says: "What's the best thing for yellow teeth?
The dentist answers: "How about a brown tie?"
Kelly Jones, StereophonicsWHAT'S a flip-flop without the flip? A flop flop
Ex-S Club star Tina Barrett
AS I was coming to work today, I noticed a blonde staring intently at a carton of orange juice.
When asked what she was doing, she pointed to the package and said: "Look." I did.
It read "Concentrate."
Jeremy Paxman
Heard about the dyslexic devil-worshipper...he sold his soul to SANTA...
